How to Get my Ex Back

(without enabling her and losing yourself in the process)

Strategies to Win Back Your Ex and Restore Love

How You Got Here

How to win your ex back is such a frequently asked question. In addition to that, here are some other ones men ask us:

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"how to get back together with your ex" "how to get my wife back" "how to get my wife back after separation"
"how do i get my ex back" "how to get back in a relationship with your ex" "how to get your wife back"

The short answer is "Bullets".

We call insecurities "Bullets". Hence the name "The Bulletproof Husband™".

This is a husband who has dealt with his insecurities and also is capable of dealing with any future ones that come his way.

Ok, so now what the hell is insecurity?

You are probably thinking of things like blaming, feeling a certain way, being out of control etc.

None of those are insecurities.

They are all results and behaviors BECAUSE OF BEING INSECURE.

Listen, I don't blame you for not knowing.

Get my Ex Back

Truth is, 90% of marriage therapists and counselors don't know the answer concisely as to what insecurity is.

So let me lay it down for you and then I will expand.

Insecurity is "SUPPRESSED HURT".

Hurts that you suppressed in the past (starting from age 5 and onwards) and never dealt with them.

Let me explain.

Core insecurities come from mainly 2 age groups:

  • 5 to 8 years old - this is when you experience the notion of failure for the first time and the fact that the world is not as rainbow as you thought
  • 11 to 13 years old - this is when you start to socialize and the need to "belong" emerges along with all the challenges of it

Examples of are:

  • Teacher or friends call you stupid
  • You are bullied
  • A girl makes fun of you
  • Your father/mother beats you
  • You are sexually molested
  • Your father/mother says you are not good enough for anything
  • You experience abuse between your parents
  • Your parents divorce or separate
  • Your relative or friend molests you

The list goes on and on...

When any of the events happened in these age groups, you got hurt.

Now, the real challenge was that as a child you were not capable of blaming others for why you are hurting. Your part of your brain wasn't developed yet to do that.

So the automatic process that took place is that you subconsciously blamed yourself instead.

For example:

  • My parents must be divorcing because they don't love me
  • I must be bullied because I am weak
  • The teacher must be making fun of me because I am stupid
  • My parents don't approve of me because I must not be worth it

Again...list goes on with examples.

This happened because you needed to justify the hurt somehow and the only way you were able to do so is by blaming yourself which resulted in LABELING yourself also.

Once you labeled yourself, you quickly realized that you cannot survive constantly feeling hurt.

So, you started to create survival behaviours to protect yourself.

These survival behaviors are overcompensating behaviors which means that they are typically the opposite of your label and on the radical side.

For example:

  • If you labeled yourself as stupid your survivor behaviors can include:
    • The need to be always right
    • Over explaining everything so you avoid looking stupid
    • Over analyzing
    • Constantly educating yourself so no one can find out that you are stupid
  • If you labeled yourself as weak your survivor behaviors can include:
    • Being controlling so you look strong
    • You being extra fit and strong physically
    • Being argumentative to display strength
  • If you labeled yourself as not worthy your survivor behaviors can include:
    • Pleasing
    • Begging
    • Not worthy of others time
    • Not asking for help

There are so many other examples which we cannot go into here but the list is huge.

There are also common behaviors across bullets, like avoiding.

Avoiding can happen through burying yourself into work to avoid being home all the way to alcohol or substance abuse and self-harm.

Pay extra attention to this next part please.

Your wife knows all of your bullets within the first 2 years of living together.


Many reasons.

First of all, she operates from the feminine and her intuition is way more advanced than the masculine.

Secondly, women's highest priority above anything else is safety and security.

  • Emotional safety
  • Physical safety
  • Mental safety
  • Financial safety
  • Spiritual safety

Hence, she will do whatever is necessary to feel safe and secure by constantly being aware of the threats in her environment - she will also execute tests to determine safety and security.

A husband who is insecure and ridden with bullets is NOT SAFE for her.

The more unsafe she feels the more she will test you to give signals that something needs to change.

This can go on for 2+ years and if her efforts are not noticed or acted upon, then she will give you the SLAP!

  • I love you but not in love with you
  • I want to divorce
  • I want to separate
  • I want to be friends
  • I am not happy anymore
  • I cheated on you
Now, you can understand why pointing the finger at her and blaming her doesn't do any good.

You must demonstrate safety and security for her to win your ex back.

To do that, you must become self-sufficient as a man yourself.

How the hell can you provide safety and security for her if you are not safe and secure yourself!

Reviving an affair after a split requires a lot of careful thinking and calculated moves. If you are looking for ideas on “how to win my ex back,” it is important to consider the issue with an interplay of contemplation, patience, and strategic thinking. Here are listed staged steps to lead you through the process of getting in touch with an old partner focusing on keyword enriched variations to match your pursuit.

Understanding Our Parting Ways
Before you ponder the ways of getting your ex back, you should delve into the reasons that caused separation. Thinking about the things that caused the breakup, such as personal defects and the relationship issues, paves the way of the significant changes. This introspection is critical for going ahead.

Personal Transformation Journey
Use the period of separation for development and growth. Participating in new interests, improving your level of fitness or seeking professional help will really increase your quality of life. Your positive lifestyle and mindset changes will prove your readiness to healthier relationship.

Initiating Contact: Initial Step
Once you are ready and have given your ex enough time and space, get back in touch with a light, friendly message. The purpose is to start a dialogue without bombarding them, indicating that you are ready for a friendly talk.

Regaining Friendship
Start by rebuilding a proper friendship before rushing straight back to the love. Have some shared times, and indicate that you can have fun together without the burden of a relationship. This phase is the phase of reconnection.

Discussing What Went Wrong
With the restoring of a friendly relationship, carefully reintroduce past problems in a positive way. Indicate the changes you have implemented and demonstrate your comprehension of the causes of the split. Be prepared to hear their side, and make the required adjustments.

Re-igniting the Spark
If you feel that the mutual interest to reconcile is there, start introducing elements of romance again little by little. Try to build new, positive memories rather than focusing on past mistakes. In this step, the forward move with a renewed perception is taken.

Setting New Relationship Goals
In conjunction, talk about your hopes and anticipations in the future of the relationship. Setting lucid objectives will prevent from repeating past mistakes. Highlight that open communication, trust and respect is the key foundation of your relationship. Embracing Patience and Acceptance The importance is to note that the reconciliation may not always occur. Be prepared for what happens and respect your ex’s determinations. Should the results turn other, appreciate the personal development, which you have undergone in the course of this exercise.

A Fresh Start
Trying to win back your ex is all about ensuring a new, improved relationship based on lessons learned. If you will take the situation with maturity and prepared to reconcile, you only increase the possibility of the joyful reunion. Nevertheless, you should be prepared for any result and to put your health and development first of all.

Reconnecting with an Ex-Partner

When it comes to reconnecting with an ex-partner, it's important to approach the situation with maturity and a focus on development. The approach recommended by the Bulletproof Husband highlights the significance of self-improvement and understanding the underlying reasons behind the breakup. Here is a comprehensive plan inspired by strategies outlined in Bulletproof Husband for individuals seeking guidance on "how to win back my ex".

Understanding What Went Wrong

Begin by reflecting on why the relationship came to an end. Recognize your shortcomings and relationship challenges that played a role in the separation. This self-awareness is crucial for addressing the core issues and avoiding problems in future relationships.

Personal Growth

Utilize the period following the breakup to work on personal growth. Explore interests, enhance your well-being, or consider seeking professional support if necessary. These changes not only enrich your life but also demonstrate to your ex that you are capable of evolving and maturing.

Initiating Contact

Once you feel prepared and have given your ex space, consider reaching out with a casual, friendly message. The aim is not to overwhelm but to initiate communication.

Developing a New Connection

Concentrate on reestablishing a friendship. Spend time together in settings where there is no pressure, focusing on rebuilding trust and comfort between both parties. When you're at this point, it's about enjoying each other's company without feeling pressured for romance.

Dealing with Past Problems

Once you've built a friendship again, it's time to talk about past issues. Approach these discussions with honesty and a willingness to understand and make changes. Show that you've learned from the past and are dedicated to building a future.

Sparking Romance Again

If there are still feelings, slowly bring back romantic aspects into your relationship. Focus on creating experiences together instead of dwelling on past negatives.

Setting Fresh Relationship Objectives

Talk about your expectations and goals for this phase of your relationship. Clear communication regarding needs and boundaries can help prevent old patterns from recurring.

Embracing Patience and Acceptance

Understand that reconciliation may not always be possible. Be ready for any outcome and concentrate on the growth you've experienced through this process.


Throughout this journey, it's important to prioritize change over adjustments just to win someone back. This approach not only enhances the chances of reuniting but also ensures the strength of the relationship in the long term.

For those dealing with separation or marital difficulties, similar principles hold true. Focus on communication, show change through actions, and work towards reigniting intimacy. Keep in mind, the aim is to nurture a lasting connection, not a momentary patch-up.

Commonly Asked Questions (FAQs) on Rekindling a Relationship with an Ex

1. How long is it recommended to wait before reaching out to an ex following a breakup?

It's crucial to allow both yourself and your ex sufficient time for self-reflection and healing. Typically, it's advised to observe a period of no contact for around 30 days. This period allows for longing and introspection regarding emotions and priorities.

2. What should be my approach when initiating contact with my ex?

Begin the conversation on a light and casual note. A simple greeting or referencing a memory or shared joke can be effective in breaking the ice. The aim is to establish communication channels without creating any pressure.

3. How can I convey to my ex that I have evolved as a person?

Demonstrate your growth through actions rather than mere words. Engage in pursuits focused on self-improvement and make positive changes that are noticeable. When interacting with your ex, let these positive transformations manifest naturally through your demeanor and discussions.

4. Is it advisable to cultivate a friendship with an ex before considering reconciliation?

Indeed, fostering a friendship can serve as a groundwork for rekindling a romantic bond in the future. It aids in rebuilding trust and showcases the ability to enjoy each other's company without the complexities of expectations.

5. What are some common errors to steer clear of when attempting to reconcile with my partner?

Steer clear of pleading, excessive apologies, and putting pressure on your ex for a reunion. Also, avoid speaking negatively about them or bringing up past grievances during conversations.

6. How should I handle rejection?

Prepare yourself emotionally for all outcomes, including rejection. Concentrate on your personal development. Understand that sometimes not rekindling the relationship could be the best result for both individuals. Ensure that your self-esteem is not solely reliant on getting back together.

7. What if my ex is in a relationship?

If your ex is involved with someone else, respect their partnership. Stay focused on your growth and remain open to the idea of meeting new people yourself.

8. How frequently should I communicate with my ex if we are working towards reigniting our relationship?

Maintain a balanced level of communication. Excessive communication can be overwhelming, so ensure that your interactions are meaningful and gradually increase as you both feel more at ease.

What You're Going to Learn


Presented by
Endre Gabori

Endre Gabori is the founder & CEO of the Bulletproof Husband™. He’s helped married men all over the world rebuild their marriage, while making sure that they do not compromise themselves in the process.

Recent Success Stories

"Nothing like this exists anywhere else"

“The Bulletproof Husband™ has fundamentally changed my life – the tools, systems and guidance provided was invaluable to rebuilding myself as a man, father and husband for my family.”

Matthew B Financial Analyst

"This is paying off in spades"

“My happiness in life and with my marriage has gone up massively over the last 8 weeks. Instead of reacting to my wife, I create a space for her to be the woman, the wife and the mother that she wants to be. This is paying off in spades. Every new day is better than the last. As a man, watching this unfold in my life is a priceless experience. “

Dave D. Wealth Management Advisor

"I am in the best place I have ever been"

“I spent years and a ton of money on different kinds of therapy and coaching. While it served me to get back on my feet in the business world and as a father to 3 little kids nothing clicked in my head like the program at Bullet Proof Husband.”

Stephen T Entrepreneur

"From divorce papers to reconciliation"

“I went from a marriage that was absolutely heading to lawyers for Divorce 3 months ago to a marriage that has my wife telling me “in 4-6 months she will move me back into my room with her.” That’s huge progress!”

James V Roofer

Frequently Asked Questions

Getting rid of bullets is not a logical process. It is an emotional process that allows you to get rid of your suppressed hurts which you have been holding on to for so long. This is a muscle you need to build and master over time. Husbands who have been in the military (anything from Marines to Navy) often say “learning to pull bullets was much tougher than any military training I have ever done and without The Bulletproof Husband™ I would not have been able to do that”. There are dozens of ways to effectively do emotional work which we teach husbands.

Because it is the ONLY thing that causes permanent change. Husbands who try to change but cannot do so because they are using Willpower which is a finite resource. Willpower runs out and when it runs out, you blow up (arguments, out of control actions). When you pull your bullets through emotional work, it creates permanent change unlike just using Willpower. Most people fail at New Year’s resolutions because they don’t deal with the core problem – their bullets which cause the behavior. You cannot change a behavior permanently unless you have dealt with the core.
Yes. Life throws curveballs at you (death of someone, disappointments etc.). However, the impact is very small because you have dealt with all your past bullets. In addition, once you master pulling your bullets, you can easily deal with any new, future ones that come your way.

Absolutely. Every human being has bullets because they happen during our childhood. It is part of the development of a child.

First by leading the way and getting rid of yours. Until you do, she has to babysit your emotions and she will worry that you can’t handle the more intimate and deeper things because it offends you. Then once you deal with your bullets, there are strategic ways to help her get rid of her (to which the process is different for women than for men).

Immediately. You feel like a 50 ton gorilla is off your shoulder and parts of your behaviors alter right away. Seriously. Then, there are some parts of your behavior that you alter intentional which is now easy because the core has been dealt with.

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